


1898 CE; 41 BCE; 1490 CE; 1889 CE

by 7thweasley



Series: Ineffable Husbands Through Time [2]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale likes his earthly pleasures, Cleopatra - Freeform, Crowley is a stranger to sex, Leonardo Da Vinci - Freeform, M/M, Never Have I Ever, almost get together, ineffable husbands, slight angst, they are both very drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7thweasley/pseuds/7thweasley
Summary: A rainy night in 1898 brings Aziraphale and Crowley together for several bottles of sherry. The pair plays Never Have I Ever, and from that they discuss their sexual history (or lack thereof).





	1898 CE; 41 BCE; 1490 CE; 1889 CE

It started, as many great stories do, with several bottles of sherry. The year was 1898, and Crowley had just found Aziraphale once again. He claimed it was a coincidence that he trespassed onto the small beekeeping farm the angel had in western Pennsylvania, but things of that nature are never accidents. 

It was rather convenient, then, that it was a stormy night and Crowley scrambled to the lit front porch to request board for the night. Though he wouldn’t say it, Aziraphale was always glad to see him. He welcomed Crowley inside, and with a wave of his hand, the demon was dried and the hearth was crackling.

With not much else to do, Aziraphale fetched a bottle from his pantry and brought it to share with Crowley, who was laying across a rather plush armchair.

“This is a bottle of General Washington’s favorite sherry. I do hope he doesn’t mind that I snagged it… then again it’s been over 120 years and he hasn’t asked for it back!”

—

Half an hour later, the bottle had been refilled twice. Aziraphale and Crowley had let themselves become quite plastered. One could always tell how inebriated Aziraphale was by the amount of clothing he had discarded. It was a curious habit of his. At this point, he had removed his jacket, bow tie, vest, and shoes. As stated, he was pretty far along.

“We should play a game!” Aziraphale exclaimed. He had just finished the difficult task of taking off his left shoe. He was feeling confident.

“Oh, I like games!” Crowley agreed. “Have you played Never Have I Ever?”

“Never have I ever played Never Have I Ever,” Aziraphale responded with a solemn nod.

Crowley just stared at him for a moment. “Is that a no?”

“Indeed! How does one play?”

The demon detailed the ins and outs of the game, pausing multiple times to answer the angel’s questions.

“Alright, I’ll start.”

—

The pair was in hysterics. Despite their nearly 6,000 year history, they hadn’t spent all that time together and so some is still a mystery to them.

“You’re telling me, you’re telling me, that the Great Fire of Rome, _the Great Fire_ , was caused by you knocking over a torch?” Aziraphale slurs, sherry glass slipping over.

“I didn’t mean to! I didn’t _mean_ to. You don’t know how difficult it is to see in the dark with tinted glasses on! And by the time the fire was put out, half of Rome was crispy and the people blamed it on that stupid emperor!” Crowley was standing on the armchair and gesturing wildly before nearly falling off his perch.

Aziraphale gave a spluttering laugh. “Oh shut it, leave me alone. It’s your turn, go,” the demon told him.

“Alright, alright. Let’s see,” he said, putting a finger on his chin in thought. “Never have I ever… kissed a female-presenting person.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, we are essentially male-presenting people. At least, according to humanity’s incessant need to fit things into binary. So I’ve never kissed a woman, or any other being that presents as female.”

“Oh,” Crowley thought for a moment, then he drank.

“ _Really?_ Do tell.” Aziraphale clutched his chest in mock scandal.

“Hush, I’m trying to remember her name… she was Egyptian, I think, or maybe Greek?” Crowley put his drink down and rubbed his temples.

“Crowley, I never knew you to be such a womanizer!”

“Cleopatra! That was her name. Queen of Egypt, she was, at one time or another. I thought that fellow was going to skin me alive when he found me in her chambers… what was his name? Tony? Something like that.”

Aziraphale giggled, and Crowley was momentarily broken from his stupor by the lovely sound. The angel had that effect on him.

“What happened next?”

“What? Oh, nothing really. I was chased out. Left Egypt after that. It’s not that she was a bad kisser or anything, just that she took me by surprise.” Crowley set down his drink, suddenly quite serious.

“I had no clue, my friend. ‘Crowley, Demon of Hell and Seducer of Women.’ Not a bad title,” Aziraphale supplied, holding his hands out as if to imagine a banner with the words on it. “I’m sure your Side loves that.”

“Well, that would be a lie, Angel, wouldn’t it? Cleo is only one of two people I’ve kissed, human or otherwise!”

It was as if Crowley was goading Aziraphale to ask. If he asked, he would tell the whole story. So of course, Aziraphale asked.

“Cleopatra, and Leonardo da Vinci. That’s my ‘body count’ as humans will one day say. Did you ever meet Leo?”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Never had the pleasure.”

“You would have liked him, Angel. He was full to the brim of ideas and thoughts and couldn’t help but let them out, just like you do. I believe the year was 1490 or maybe a little after. I had seen his most recent work, _The Vitruvian Man_ , hung in the halls of some nobility or other. Everyone assumes that humanity and creation have no rhyme or reason to it, but here this man had seen the beautiful simplicity of mathematics in his own human form. I had to meet him.”

Crowley took another drink, then continued.

“I got to know him quite well. I had no other business in town so I saw him rather frequently. It was one night, though, we were debating which field of study was more brilliant – anatomy or astronomy – and he just… kissed me. And I kissed him back.”

The pair sat in silence for a moment.

“Did you like it?”

“Sure, what’s not to like? Anyways, we slept together as humans say, and in the morning while he slept, I realized nothing could become of the two of us. Him a human, me a demon. So I left. He wrote me several letters, sent gifts, for a while though.”

Aziraphale didn’t know what to say. He wished he had been there with Crowley afterwards. Surely he had been lonely. He told him as such.

Crowley just waved him off. “Hush, Angel. You didn’t know. And besides, demons aren’t supposed to have relationships, let alone with humans.”

“Was that your… first time?”

Crowley nodded. “And last. As fun as it was, I didn’t see the point of doing that with someone I didn’t love. Can’t get attached to humans, we can’t.”

They sat in silence for a while longer. Crowley glanced over at Aziraphale and caught him staring. The latter quickly looked away and the former cleared his throat. “So what about you?”

“What about me?” Aziraphale asked innocently.

“You’ve never kissed a woman,” Crowley said as a statement. “What about men?”

The angel thought for a moment on how best to answer him. “Well, yes. As you know, I enjoy many earthly pleasures; food and clothing being my favorites. However, I’m no stranger to… other pleasures. I’m not proud of it but it is something I enjoy and seek out.”

“Giving in to a little temptation now and again, are we?” Crowley teased, though somewhat upset that this part of Aziraphale had been hidden from him.

“Don’t scold me so. As I said, it’s not something I’m proud of. I doubt my Side would like it…” he trailed off.

“Did you love them, the ones you slept with?” Crowley asked gently.

It was a simple question, but the sincerity in which Crowley asked touched the angel. Demons weren’t supposed to be able to love, and yet here Crowley was, actively searching it out. Aziraphale hopes he would one day find it.

“Love? I wouldn’t say that, no. I found them attractive, and they were good fun for the moment, but I haven’t really thought about them since. Do you remember that gentlemen’s club in Portland Place, in London? Quite the scandal around 10 years ago, now.”

“I think so. Sounds familiar.”

“Well,” Aziraphale continued, “I was a regular patron of the place, you could say, up until it was shut down. I even took that royal boy to bed once or twice, the one the paper’s mentioned so much. It really only became a habit recently, with the advent of such clubs. Otherwise I used to meet someone once every 100 years or so.”

Crowley sat for a moment just studying the angel. “Who knew, huh? That an angel would be better at seducing humans than a demon.”

His words were playful but the manner didn’t reach his eyes. They were bitter.

Aziraphale refilled the bottle of sherry, and then refilled their glasses. Neither said anything for a while, though they drained their glasses. Crowley could positively hear his heart beating in his chest as he processed what he had been told.

“Could you teach me?”

Aziraphale choked on a sip of sherry. “ _Teach you?_ ”

“To seduce humans, I mean,” Crowley said quickly. “Purely for the betterment of my demon capabilities, of course.”

“Of course,” Aziraphale parroted. He cleared his throat, and leaned forward in his chair so that the two beings were knocking knees.

“Well, for starters, at the gentlemen’s clubs,” he said, “I would sit down next to the one who caught my eye and order a refill of whatever he was drinking, and introduce myself.”

With a wave of Aziraphale’s hand, Crowley’s glass was full and he handed it to him, letting their fingers touch for just a moment.

“I would lean in close, say something witty and when he returned a joke I would laugh and casually put my hand on his shoulder.”

Aziraphale smiled as he spoke, and rested his hand on Crowley’s shoulder, rubbing his thumb in little circles every so often.

“I’d keep talking, asking him about himself, maintaining good eye contact, while I do this…”

Aziraphale slid his hand up Crowley’s shoulder towards his neck, and let his thumb dip beneath his shirt collar, still continuing the circular motions. It felt possessive, intimate, and Crowley found his heart skipping beats and his breath shallowing.

“Eventually, when the room got noisy and I knew I had his attention I would suggest that we went upstairs so we could better hear the other. There were bedrooms on the second floor.”

Crowley jumped up. “Let’s go then! Now what?”

“I actually don’t have an upstairs in this house, but I guess we can go to my bedroom?”

Crowley nodded. This was purely for research, he told himself. Aziraphale was justifying it similarly to his own self as he led him to his small bedroom.

“Now what?” Crowley repeated, breathlessly.

“Well, then… I would turn around, close the door, and press him up against it.” Aziraphale stood looking at Crowley awkwardly.

“So do it.”

Aziraphale hesitated for a moment, but he did indeed do as described, his hand in Crowley’s hair. He had been about this close to the demon before, but now with their breath mingling, it felt so new. 

“Then?” Crowley whispered.

“I would kiss him,” the angel breathed.

“Then do it.” 

Aziraphale’s breath hitched. “Are you sure?”

Crowley had only said, “Aziraphale,” before the angel was kissing him. One hand was in his thick hair, the other gripping his hip. _And Crowley liked it._ It was nothing like the assault of Cleopatra’s lips on his own, nor the shock of Leonardo’s. It felt natural, as if they weren’t an angel and demon, but two normal people who did this all the time.

They parted for air every so often, and Aziraphale moved his focus from Crowley’s lips to his neck, which elicited a gasp. He grabbed his tie and pulled him over to the small bed, where they both fell.

In tandem with his kisses, Aziraphale’s hands roamed south and started to fiddle with Crowley’s pants buttons. Beneath him, he felt the demon go rigid with the touch.

Sensing Crowley’s hesitation, the angel broke contact and looked at him. His eyes were wide and his brow was furrowed in anxiety.

“I’m suddenly feeling quite tired,” Aziraphale said, hoping to give Crowley an out if he wanted one. “Maybe I ought to sleep soon.”

Crowley looked relieved, though not fully. “Now that you mention it, I agree. I guess I’ll go kip on the sofa, then?”

“Or you could stay here, in my bed with me. We could demonstrate the benefits of cuddling after the act of seduction.”

Aziraphale was hopeful. 

Crowley found his voice again. “That would be… quite useful, indeed.” 

He stripped down to his underpants and shirt, and awkwardly laid himself down on the far side of the angel’s bed. If he noticed that the bed was persuaded to shrink slightly when Aziraphale climbed in behind him, he didn’t say anything. His mind was abuzz with nothing sensical when he felt the angel pressed against his back with his arm around him.

The next morning, when Aziraphale awoke, he found himself alone with only the presence of two sherry glasses to suggest there was ever another person with him.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> I love you guys


End file.
